the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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