so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize