He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
