i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
honey bunches of taint.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
