i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
