She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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