there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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