They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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