There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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