your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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