the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
