Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Randomize
