I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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