Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
