Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
