If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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