FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
