I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
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