if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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