If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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