I will die if light touches me.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
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