Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
no more duck duck goose at the bar
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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