i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
