god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
