Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
