I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
