:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
my shit smells like andre
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Randomize
