I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
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