I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
