Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
