Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
