I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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