Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
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