You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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