Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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