Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize