Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
