she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
