i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
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