im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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