phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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