Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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