1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
