In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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