I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
