We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
