your parents love me but you hate me
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
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