The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
