Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
