My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
