I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
