I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
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