my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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