Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
