I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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