So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
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