You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
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