that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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