Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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